MENINAS MALVADAS: O MUSICAL - ATO I

Abertura
[Entram Damian e Janis]

DAMIAN: Bom dia e sejam bem-vindos ao ensino médio.

JANIS: Estamos aqui pra te receber e pra te contar sobre uma coisa séria.
DAMIAN: Viemos contar para vocês a história da nossa amiga Cady. Como ela se mudou do
Quênia para cá e como as suas decisões duvidosas fizeram com que outra garota fosse
atropelada por um ônibus. Ações e consequências!
JANIS: Esta pintura que eu fiz deve representar o poder feminino adolescente.
DAMIAN: E essa foto do George Michael é algo que gosto de segurar enquanto canto.

A CAUTIONARY TALE

JANIS:
IT’S A CAUTIONARY TALE,
OF FEAR AND LUST AND PRIDE.
BASED ON ACTUAL EVENTS,
WHERE PEOPLE DIED.

DAMIAN: Ninguém morreu.

DAMIAN:
BUT HOW FAR WOULD YOU GO,
TO BE POPULAR AND HOT.
WOULD YOU RESIST TEMPTATION?

JANIS:
NO YOU WOULD NOT.

JANIS E DAMIAN:
JUST ADMIT IT,
SOMETIMES MEAN IS WHAT YOU ARE,
MEAN IS EASIER THAN NICE.
AND THOUGH MEAN CAN TAKE YOU FAR,
MAYBE THIS WILL MAKE YOU THINK TWICE!

DAMIAN:
KICK! LAYOUT! FOSSE!

JANIS E DAMIAN:
THIS IS A CAUTIONARY TALE.
ABOUT CORRUPTION AND BETRAYAL.

DAMIAN:
AND GETTING HIT BY A BUS!

JANIS:
YOU CAN’T BUY INTEGRITY,
 AT THE MALL IT’S NOT FOR SALE.

DAMIAN: Boa.
JANIS: Valeu.

JANIS E DAMIAN:
THIS IS THE CAUTIONARY TALE…
(AHHH, AHHH, AYYAYA AYYAYA)

DAMIAN: Nossa história começa através do globo, na África! África!

IT ROARS

CADY:
I’M SIXTEEN, LIVING IN PARADISE,
WITH THE LIONS AND BIRDS AND STUFF
BUT I’M SIXTEEN,
AND IT’S NOT ENOUGH.
I’M ALONE, I MEAN THERE’S MOM AND DAD,
AND THE ANIMALS WE OBSERVE,
BUT FRANKLY,
THEY’RE ALL ON MY LAST NERVE.
NOBODY ON THE SAVANNA UNDERSTANDS,
NONE OF MY CLOSEST FRIENDS EVEN HAVE HANDS.
I GOT DREAMS EXCITING ME.
LIKE A FIRE IGNITING ME.
I TRY TO CONFIDE IN MY LIONS,
BUT THEY KEEP BITING ME.
DO YOU EVER GET THE FEELING,
EVERYBODY ELSE IS HAPPY,
EVERYBODY ELSE HAS FRIENDS,
AND THEY’RE BETTER FRIENDS THAN YOURS.
IT’S A VERY RECENT FEELING,
BUT IT’S RUNNING THROUGH MY BODY,
AND IT ROARS.
IT ROARS!

SRA. HERON: Cady, querida, pegue uma barra Kalteen se for pular o jantar.
SR. HERON: Tenho más notícias. Perdemos o nosso financiamento e vamos ter que voltar para
os Estados Unidos.
CADY: América é? Talvez eu conheça uma pessoa obesa!
SRA. HERON: Eu sei que pode ser uma adaptação difícil, você vai ter que ir para uma escola
de verdade.
CADY: Escola de verdade?
CADY:
MOM, I WOULD LOVE THAT,
IT’S TIME FOR SOMETHING NEW!
WE LIVE IN A TENT,
 ADVENTURE IS WHAT WE DO.

SRA. HERON: É verdade.

CADY:
I GOT NO TIME TO CRY,
I GOT NEW THINGS TO TRY,
LIKE HIGH SCHOOL,
AND SKATEBOARDS AND RAPPING,
AND STARBUCKS VENTI CHAI.

SR. HERON: Chicago tem Starbucks e rap.

SRA. HERON: Chicago então?
CADY: Sim!

CADY:
DO YOU EVER GET A FEELING,
THAT A WHOLE NEW WORLD IS WAITING.
BRINGING HAPPINESS AND FRIENDS,
TO THE BRAVE GIRL WHO EXPLORES.
IT’S A SCARY KIND OF FEELING,
BUT IT’S SO EXHILARATING,
HOW IT ROARS,
IT ROARS,
IT ROARS!

[Transição para North Shore High School]

CADY: Ah, perdão, poderia me dizer onde fica o refeitório?

CHRISTIAN: Poderia.
CADY: Ei, eu estou um pouco perdida.
DAWN: Tenta o Google Maps.
CADY:
OK, MAYBE THEY DIDN’T SEE ME,
THEY STARE AT THEIR LITTLE SCREENS.
PLUS IT’S CROWDED,
WITH ALL THESE TEENS.

CADY: Oi, pessoal!

SONJA: Unfollow.
CADY:
THEY’RE TOUGH, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED,
I’M TRYING TO BREAK INTO A PACK.
LIKE BABOONS,
IT’S NATURAL THEY ATTACK.
I GOT TO FIGHT,
FOR THE RIGHT TO BELONG AND FIT IN.

CORO:
SOMEBODY DOESN’T FIT IN
 CADY:
THEY WANT TO BE INCLUDED, LIKE ME,
SO EVENTUALLY, I’LL WIN.

CORO:
NEW KID, IGNORE HER!

CADY:
I’LL WIN!

CORO:
JUST IGNORE HER!
DO YOU EVER GET THE FEELING,

CADY:
EVERYBODY WANTS CONNECTION,
YES, I KNOW THEY HAVE THEIR FRIENDS.
BUT, WHAT IS ONE FRIEND MORE?

CORO: NO!

CADY:
‘CAUSE I KNOW THEY KNOW THIS FEELING.

CORO:
WE KNOW THIS FEELING.

CADY:
SO I BRUSH OFF THEIR REJECTION
AT OUR CORE,

CORO:
JUST IGNORE HER,

CADY:
YOU CAN’T IGNORE,

CORO:
JUST IGNORE HER,

CADY:
THE ROAR!

CORO:
ROAR, ROAR!

[Transição para a sala de aula da Sra. Norbury]

SR. DUVALL: Bem-vindo ao Colégio North Shore! Posso ter sua atenção, por favor? Temos
uma nova aluna se juntando a nós, o nome dela é Caddy Heron.
CADY: Cady.
SR. DUVALL: Que acabou de se mudar pra cá do Kansas.
CADY: Quênia.
SR. DUVALL: Então, seja bem-vinda Caddy.
CADY: Oi!
SRA. NORBURY: Cady. Oii! Sou a Sra. Norbury, eu serei sua professora. Aqui está sua grade.
Ah, também estarei com você em Cálculo avançado, você deve ter tido excelentes professores
na sua escola antiga.
CADY: Eu era educada em casa.
SRA. NORBURY: Educada em casa. Maneira divertida de roubar dinheiro de um sindicato.
CADY: Ah, não. Meus pais são biólogos, moravamos no Quênia. Mas sim, eu adoro cálculo!
SRA. NORBURY: Essa é a coisa mais legal que alguém já me disse. E eu já fui casada duas
vezes! OK! Acha que pode seguir esse cronograma?
CADY: Acho que sim.
SRA. NORBURY: Não seja tímida, deve ser difícil para um aluno que estuda em casa passar de
uma aula para outra.

[O sinal toca, transição para a sala do Sr. Buck]

SR. BUCK: Esse é o primeiro período de Literatura Americana, meu nome é Sr. Buck.
JANIS: Você não quer sentar aí, Dawn Schweitzer guarda esse lugar pro namorado.
DAWN: Sai, meu namorado senta aí.
CADY: Posso sentar aqui só por hoje?
DAWN: Você por acaso vai fazer cócegas nas minhas costas, vadia?

[O sinal toca, transição para a aula de Francês]

PROF. DE FRANCÊS: Maintenant, nous choisissons nos noms français, Cady, comment tout
t’appelle?
CADY: Je m'appelle Cady
PROF. DE FRANCÊS: Incorreto!
JANIS: Escolhe seu nome em francês
CADY: Mas os franceses que eu conheço só me chamam de Cady.
JANIS: Basta dizer Marie.
CADY: Marie?
PROF. DE FRANCÊS: Marie.
JANIS: Janice.
PROF. DE FRANCÊS: Janice.
DAMIAN: Chanel.
PROF. DE FRANCÊS: Não.
DAMIAN: Fantine.
PROF. DE FRANCÊS: Não!
DAMIAN: Lady Gaga.
PROF. DE FRANCÊS: Não!!!

[O sinal toca, transição para a aula de Saúde]

TREINADOR CARR: Bem-vindos, a aula de Saúde e Sexualidade Humana. Neste outono

faremos a unidade exigida pelo estado sobre abstinência e na primavera falaremos sobre
preservativos e asfixia erótica.
SOPHIE: Ei, ela está indo embora!
TREINADOR CARR: Aonde você pensa que vai?
CADY: Preciso urinar.
TREINADOR CARR: De jeito nenhum, José.
CADY: É Cady.
TREINADOR CARR: Você tem que pedir permissão e depois carregar esse passe de banheiro
que é a escultura de uma baleia.
CADY: Ok, posso usar o passe e ir ao banheiro?
TREINADOR CARR: Boa tentativa, você pode ir na hora do almoço.

[O sinal toca, transição para o Banheiro]

IT ROARS (Reprise)

CADY:
I’M SIXTEEN, JUST LIKE EVERYONE HERE,
BUT I’M NOT LIKE EVERYONE HERE.
IT’S CLEAR,
IT’S GONNA BE A ROUGH YEAR.

CORO:
NEW KID SUCKS.

CADY:
THEY HAVE CODES AND SOCIAL SIGNIFIERS,
THAT THEY ALL SEEM TO GET,
BUT NOT ME. NOT YET.
DID YOU EVER GET A FEELING,
EXPECTATIONS NEED ADJUSTING,
AND YOU NEED TO LICK YOUR WOUNDS,
IN THE LADIES BATHROOM STALL?
I’M NOT QUITTING.
I’M REGROUPING.
I’LL JUST SIT AND EAT MY SANDWICH.
AND TOMORROW, I’LL FIND FRIENDS WHO HEAR THE CALL.
THE SAME CALL,
THE NEED TO BELONG.
THAT ROARS--

LIZZIE: Esquisita.

CADY:
WITHIN US ALL…

DAMIAN: Você está aí há muito tempo. Ou você está usando drogas ou está com muita prisão
de ventre por causa do uso de drogas.
CADY: Não, eu só...
JANIS: Oi, eu sou a Janis.
DAMIAN: E, eu sou Sasha Fierce.
JANIS: Esse é o Damian, ele é quase gay demais da conta.
CADY: Oi, eu sou a Cady.
DAMIAN: Bem, Cady, como co-presidente júnior do comitê de atividades estudantis e fanático
por arte, nos oferecemos para ser seus companheiros até você encontrar seu lugar em North
Shore.
JANIS: O que ele está dizendo é que vamos ajudar você, Caddy.
CADY: Obrigada!! Mas é Cady.
JANIS: Sim, vou te chamar de Caddy.
DAMIAN: Quando você se mudou para cá?
CADY: Uh, três dias atrás.
JANIS: Espera, por que você parou de estudar em casa?
CADY: Eu queria ser socializada.
DAMIAN: Ah, você vai se socializar, um pedaço de mal caminho como você...
SONYA: Você não devia estar aqui!
DAMIAN: Danny Devito, você por aqui! Ok, ok Caddy, uma vez li em uma sacola que tudo cabe
em algum lugar. Então, mantenha a mente aberta e a boca fechada, e vamos lá e escolher sua
nova vida.

WHERE DO YOU BELONG

DAMIAN:
MY MOMMA USED TO TELL ME,
BABY GIRL,
DON’T EVER EAT LUNCH ON THE JOHN.

JANIS: Sua mãe te chamava de baby girl?

DAMIAN: Oi, tô cantando, ha ha ha.

DAMIAN:
SO WHAT, IF ALL THE DUCKLINGS THINK YOU’RE UGLY,
IT’S BECAUSE THEY’VE NEVER SEEN A SWAN.
IT TAKES ALL KINDS OF PEOPLE WHO NEED PEOPLE,
SO FIND PEOPLE YOU CAN BEAR.
SO FIND YOUR GROUP, YOUR HERD, YOUR FLOCK.
COME TAKE A WALK AND ANSWER MY SMALL QUESTIONNAIRE.
WHICH I’LL SING TO YOU...
AHH, AHHH
WHERE DO YOU BELONG? WHERE DO YOU BELONG?
WHERE DO YOU BELONG? WHERE DO YOU BELONG?
YOU’LL BE JUDGED ON SIGHT AND MADE TO FIT,
SO FIND A CLIQUE AND STICK WITH IT.
SAY, WHERE DO YOU BELONG?

DAMIAN: Vamos dar uma volta pelo refeitório, certo. Vou te mostrar o mundo, como eu o vejo.
DAMIAN:
VARSITY JOCKS AND JV JOCKS,
WILL THROW YOU IN A LOCKER IF YOU SAY HELLO.
THE RICH STONERS HATE THE GANGSTA WHITES,
 THOUGH THEY’RE ALL SMOKING THE SAME OREGANO.
HERE’S THE SEXUALLY ACTIVE BAND GEEKS,
I’VE GOT TWO WORDS FOR YOU: EMBOUCHURE AND EW.
AND IF YOU LIKE BLOWING AND FINGERING,

CORO:
THIS IS THE GROUP FOR YOU!

DAMIAN: Uma ajudinha, clube do coral!

CORO:
AAHHH-AAHHH!

DAMIAN:
CADY, WHERE DO YOU BELONG, WHERE DO YOU BELONG?

CORO:
We’re dying to tell ya! (vocalizing)

DAMIAN:
WE ALL GET A BOX THAT’S WHERE WE GO.
IT’S STIFLING BUT AT LEAST YOU KNOW!
SO, WHERE DO YOU BELONG?

CORO:
We’re dying to tell ya! We’re dying to,
we’re dying to, we’re dying to! (vocalizing)

DAMIAN:
THERE’S GIRLS THAT EAT THEIR FEELINGS,
AND GIRLS THAT DON’T EAT.
I LIKE EATING BIRTHDAY CAKE AROUND THEM.

DAMIAN: As deixam malucas.

DAMIAN:
DEBATE TEAM

CORO:
AND DANCE TEAM,
THEY LIKE TO COMPETE.

DAMIAN:
AND IF THEY DON’T WIN,
THEIR PARENTS GROUND THEM.

CADY: Quem são?

DAMIAN:
DARLING THAT’S THE MATHLETES.
CADY: Legal!
DAMIAN:
 JOINING THEM IS SOCIAL SUICIDE
DAMIAN E CORO:
IT’S ALL COLLEGE APPLICATIONS,
AND DOCTOR WHO QUOTATIONS,
DAMIAN:
THEY WEAR THEIR AWKWARDNESS WITH STUBBORN PRIDE.

DAMIAN: Agora o meu dance break.

CORO:
WHERE DO YOU BELONG, WHERE DO YOU BELONG,
WHERE DO YOU BELONG, WHERE DO YOU BELONG

DAMIAN:
YOU’LL BE JUDGED ON SIGHT, VOTED IN OR OUT.
‘CAUSE THAT’S WHAT HIGH SCHOOL’S ALL ABOUT.

CORO:
WHERE DO YOU BELONG?

CADY: Ah, uma jaqueta do Quênia! Hujambo, Rafiki!

RACHEL HAMILTON: Do que você me chamou?
DAMIAN: Não. Esses são os veteranos. Oi, Rachel! Você tá uma gata. Gostei do seu post sobre
veganismo interseccional. Viu? Nada. Ela pode dizer que somos idiotas.

DAMIAN:
BUT, WHO IS AT THIS TABLE?
WHY IT’S JANIS!

JANIS:
AND DAMIAN, TOO!

CORO: OOO

DAMIAN E JANIS:
WE’RE NOT EXACTLY JOINERS,
BUT, WE’LL BE GOOD FRIENDS TO YOU!
AND OUR FRIENDSHIP MEANS YOU CAN SKIP,

JANIS:
THE GEEKS, AND THE FREAKS, AND THE PEAKING TOO SOON

DAMIAN:
THE STRIVERS, AND SURVIVORS, JUST WAITING FOR JUNE,
THE JUNIOR ACHIEVERS

JANIS:
THE CHRISTIAN BELIEVERS,

DAMIAN:
 THE TALL, FLOWERING WALLFLOWERS, FENDING OFF SKEEVERS,

DAMIAN E JANIS:
FORGET THIS FUSS, AND STALL WITH US,
COME TO LUNCH AND SIT WITH US!

CADY: Okay?!
JANIS: Sim!
DAMIAN: Ah, É!
JANIS:
SIT WITH US,

DAMIAN:
HERE’S WHERE YOU BELONG,

DAMIAN E JANIS:
HERE’S WHERE YOU BELONG,

CORO:
HERE’S WHERE YOU BELONG, HERE’S WHERE YOU BELONG,
HERE’S WHERE YOU BELONG, HERE’S WHERE YOU BELONG,

DAMIAN:
YOU NEED PROTECTION WITH PIZAZZ,
AND HELPING HANDS

CORO:
THAT ALSO JAZZ!
HERE’S WHERE YOU BELONG,
STAY HERE,

CADY: Okay, I’m staying!

CORO:
YES, HERE’S WHERE YOU BELONG!

DAMIAN E JANIS:
HEY, CADY, THIS IS WHERE YOU FIT!
HEY, CADY, THIS IS WHERE YOU SIT!

CORO:
HERE’S WHERE YOU BELONG!

[Playoff, levando ao Meet the Plastics]

CADY: Uau, e quem senta naquela mesa ali?

DAMIAN: Não olhe pra elas, não olhe!

MEET THE PLASTICS

DAMIAN:
 WE CALL THOSE THREE THE PLASTICS,
THEY’RE SHINY, FAKE AND HARD.

JANIS:
THEY PLAY THEIR LITTLE MIND GAMES
ALL AROUND THE SCHOOLYARD.

DAMIAN:
THEY MIGHT INSULT YOUR CLOTHING,
OR MAKE FUN OF YOUR NAME.

JANIS:
YEAH, LIKE THEY MOCKED JEN MORECOCK,
TILL SHE BURST INTO FLAMES

DAMIAN: E a Sra. Morecock era professora.

JANIS: Regina George é a abelha rainha. O mal em figura de gente. Sempre arrumada, sempre
a rainha do Baile de Primavera. Apenas trabalhamos pra ela e depois morremos.

REGINA:
MY NAME IS REGINA GEORGE,
AND I AM A MASSIVE DEAL.
FEAR ME, LOVE ME,
STAND AND STARE AT ME.

DAMIAN E REGINA: AND THESE

DAMIAN: (aperta o peito da Regina)

REGINA:
THESE ARE REAL.
I GOT MONEY AND LOOKS.
I AM LIKE DRUNK WITH POWER.
THIS WHOLE SCHOOL,
HUMPS MY LEG, LIKE A CHIHUAHUA
I AM THE PRETTIEST POISON YOU’VE EVER SEEN,
I NEVER WEIGH MORE THAN 115.
MY NAME IS REGINA GEORGE.
AND, I AM A MASSIVE DEAL.
I DON’T CARE WHO YOU ARE,
I DON’T CARE HOW YOU FEEL.

JANIS: Essa é Gretchen Wieners. Ela sabe os podres de todos, sabe tudo sobre todo mundo.
DAMIAN: É por isso que o cabelo dela é enorme, tá cheio de segredos.

GRETCHEN:
YES, REGINA, NO, REGINA,
EVERY WAKING HOUR,
I SPEND MAKING SURE REGINA,
 GEORGE CAN STAY IN POWER.
IF REGINA IS THE SUN,
THEN I’M A DISCO BALL,
‘CAUSE I’M JUST AS BRIGHT AND FUN,
IF YOU’VE HAD ALCOHOL.
I WORM YOUR SECRETS OUT OF YOU
AND BRING THEM TO MY MASTER.
THEN I WATCH REGINA MAKE YOUR LIFE A BIG DISASTER.

CORO: DISASTER!

GRETCHEN:
REGINA IS THE QUEEN,
BUT I’M THE HEAD OF WORKER BEES,
I AM SEATED AT HER RIGHT HAND,

GRETCHEN E DAMIAN:
LIKE A JEWISH PRINCESS JESUS.

JANIS: Essa é Karen Smith, é a garota mais burra que eu já vi.

DAMIAN: Ela já me perguntou como escrevia “laranja”.

KAREN:
MY NAME IS KAREN.
MY HAIR IS SHINY.
MY TEETH ARE PERFECT.
MY SKIRT IS TINY.
IT BARELY COVERS,
MY PERKY HEINY.
MY NAME IS KAREN.
I MAY NOT BE SMART.
KAREN: É isso.

REGINA: Espere, por que eu não te conheço?

CADY: Eu sou nova aqui, era educada em casa.
REGINA: Espera, o que?
CADY: Acabei de me mudar da África para cá.
REGINA: Cala a boca. Cala a boca!
CADY: Eu não disse nada.
REGINA: Educada em casa, isso é muito interessante. Mas até que é bonitinha
CADY: Obrigada?
REGINA: Então você concorda? Você acha que é bonitinha?
CADY: Uh, eu não sei...
REGINA: Ai meu Deus, adorei sua pulseira! Onde foi que comprou?
CADY: Minha mãe fez pra mim.
GRETCHEN: Ah é tão Barro!
REGINA: O que é Barro?
GRETCHEN: É uma gíria… de um filme.
KAREN: Você já tocou em um tigre?
CADY: Não, a maioria deles fica na Índia.
KAREN: Porque esse é um dos meus objetivos de vida… tipo, não tocar em um tigre.
JASON: Ei, garota nova! Você quer ver um truque? Posso adivinhar o tamanho do sutiã de
qualquer garota. Tudo que você precisa fazer é pular uma vez.
GRETCHEN: Eca, Jason!
KAREN: Faz em mim!
JASON: Ok.
REGINA: Ai meu Deus, Jason. Pare de zoar a garota nova. Ninguém acha você engraçado e
seus dentes parecem milho. Além disso, essa coisa que você está fazendo, de tentar abaixar a
voz quando fala, está deixando as pessoas tristes. Qualquer pessoa que queira que Jason
Weems volte à sua voz normal, por favor levante a mão.

[Todos no refeitório levantam as mãos.]

JASON: (em voz mais alta) Vadia.

REGINA: Nossa, você realmente vai ser notado por aqui. Nós deveríamos ajudá-lo. Você pode
nos dar um pouco de privacidade, por favor?

[Regina sussurra para Gretchen e Karen.]

REGINA: Certo.
REGINA:
WE NEVER REALLY DO THIS,
BUT, HOW’D YOU LIKE TO HAVE LUNCH WITH US THIS WEEK?

CADY: Ah, tá tudo bem, eu—

REGINA:
NO, NO NEED FOR YOU TO THANK US.
THERE’S NO NEED TO EVEN SPEAK.

GRETCHEN:
YOU’RE NEW AND YOU DON’T KNOW THINGS,
YOU NEED GOOD FRIENDS,
WHO WILL TELL YOU WHAT TO THINK.
SEE YOU HERE SAME TIME TOMORROW.

KAREN:
ON WEDNESDAYS, WE WEAR PINK.
Plastics: ON WEDNESDAYS, WE WEAR PINK!

[As Poderosas se dividem em suas melodias individuais.]

AS PODEROSAS:
WEAR SOMETHING NICE AND GRAB A TRAY,
‘CAUSE WE DON’T DO THIS EVERYDAY.
SAY HERE’S WHERE YOU BELONG.
SAY HERE’S WHERE YOU BELONG.

REGINA: É sério. Fala.

 AS PODEROSAS:
SAY HERE’S WHERE YOU BELONG!

GRETCHEN:
COME SIT WITH US TOMORROW, IT’LL BE FETCH!

(As poderosas saem)

CADY: Elas querem que eu almoce com elas a semana toda.

JANIS: Ha, que vagabunda!
DAMIAN: Ela quis dizer “isso é ótimo”.
CADY: Eu já disse que sentaria com vocês. Ah, talvez possamos almoçar todos juntos!
JANIS: Não.
DAMIAN: Não é uma opção.
CADY: Não entendo por que vocês as odeiam tanto. Regina parece bem legal.
JANIS: Regina George não é legal. Ela é uma sugadora de escória, vadia de beira de estrada e
destruidora de vidas.
DAMIAN: Janis odeia Regina porque quando estávamos na 8ª série, ela...
JANIS: Damian, Damian, não. Caddy, aceite a oferta delas e volte e para contar todas as coisas
estúpidas e idiotas que elas disserem.
CADY: Tipo espioná-las?
JANIS: Sim.
CADY: Isso não é ruim?
JANIS: Caddy, somos seus amigos, diríamos para você fazer algo ruim?

CADY:
IT SOUNDS KINDA BAD, RIGHT?
TO SPY ON SOMEONE.
BUT, THEY’RE THE FIRST FRIENDS I’VE HAD,
I DON’T WANNA HAVE NONE.

CADY: Parece divertido! Oh, tem alguma roupa rosa?

JANIS: Não.
DAMIAN: Sim, qual tom?

[transição para a sala de aula da Sra. Norbury]

SRA. NORBURY: Acquino, Sonja?

SONJA: Aqui.
SRA. NORBURY: Coco, Glen?
GLEN: Aqui.
SRA. NORBURY: Gnapoor, Karnapriya
KEVIN: Aqui. Além disso, vou me chamar Kevin este ano.
SRA. NORBURY: Ótimo. Estão em cálculo avançado. Segunda-feira, quarta-feira e sexta-feira.
Se algum de vocês gostaria de se juntar à nossa equipe dos Mathletas, Kevin, aqui, é o homem
a ser procurado.
KEVIN: Certo, então precisamos de quatro pessoas para competir, e o campeonato estadual
será em Winnetka este ano, as coisas vão melhorar. Então, fale comigo se você for DT Function.
SRA. NORBURY: Heron, Cady?
CADY: Aqui, aqui, desculpe o atraso!
SRA. NORBURY: Oman, Shane?
SHANE: Aqui quando precisar de mim, querida!
SRA. NORBURY: Não. Samuels, Aaron?
AARON: Aqui. Oi, meu nome é Aaron.
CADY: Mim, Cady.
AARON: Você é nova?
CADY: Acabei de me mudar para cá pra poder ter amigos humanos.
SRA. NORBURY: Ok, vamos começar. Capítulo 1: Limites e suas propriedades. O que são
limites? Ha...se eu escrever a equação: o limite quando X se aproxima de 2 de X+1, a função da
qual estou calculando o limite, não espero que vocês saibam ainda...
CADY: X = 3!
SRA. NORBURY: Isso mesmo, na verdade. Ha! Vamos tentar outro! Encontre o valor de k para
o qual existe o seguinte limite. Para que o limite exista temos que cancelar X menos 3 do
denominador…
CADY: K=-3?
SRA. NORBURY: Sim!
KEVIN: Maldita!
AARON: Uau, você está tentando fazer o resto de nós se sentir idiota?
CADY: Não estou tentando. Está simplesmente acontecendo.
AARON: Desafio aceito. Vou ter que jogar no seu nível. Por exemplo, como J.R. Smith teve que
se apresentar quando Lebron Ja—

STUPID WITH LOVE

CADY:
WHEN I WAS FIVE,
I FELL IN LOVE,
IT DIDN’T LAST.
HE RAN FROM ME.
LITERALLY, RAN FROM ME.
AND BEING KENYAN, HE RAN FAST.

AARON: A Sra. Norbury é um pouco estranha, mas você acabará gostando dela.
CADY: Ah, tipo carne de cobra!
CADY:
WHEN I WAS TEN,
IN LOVE AGAIN,
THIS PEACE CORPS GUY,
I WAITED HOURS,
INSIDE HIS TENT WITH FLOWERS,
WHICH MADE HIM LAUGH, WHICH MADE ME CRY.
BY THIRTEEN,
I GAVE UP TRYING,
I DECIDED I WOULD BE A MATHEMATICIAN.
‘CAUSE MATH IS REAL.
I MEMORIZED A LOT OF PI,
BECAUSE ADDITION AND SUBTRACTION AND DIVISION,
WOULD NEVER MAKE ME FEEL SO,
STUPID WITH LOVE.
 LIKE, I DIDN’T GET IT.
I DIDN’T GET IT SOMEHOW.
SMART WITH MATH,
BUT STUPID WITH LOVE.
I DIDN’T GET IT,
I DIDN’T GET IT TILL NOW.

AARON: Você tem uma borracha?

CADY: Eu adoraria.
CADY:
SO, THANK YOU MATH,
FOR BEING THERE,
TO BRING ME JOY.
AND, THANK YOU MATH,
‘CAUSE NOW YOU’VE BROUGHT ME,
THIS CUTE BOY.
AARON: É dois?
SRA. NORBURY: Sim!
CADY: (dá um gritinho)

CADY:
HE’S LIKE SOMEONE FROM TV.
HE’S LIKE THAT GUY WHO GIVES OUT ROSES TO THOSE WOMEN.
HIS CLOTHES, HIS GROOMING.
AND HE’S A FOOT AWAY FROM ME.
WITH SWOOPY HAIR AND SHINY EYES THAT I CAN SWIM IN,
HE’S LIVE AND IN THE ROOM.
AND, I’M STUPID WITH LOVE.
I WANNA GET IT.
I WANNA GET IT, BUT HOW?
SMART WITH MATH,
BUT STUPID WITH LOVE.
I WANNA GET IT,
I DIDN’T GET IT TILL NOW.

CADY E AARON: Dois sobre zero é indefinido?

AARON: Jinx.

CADY:
I’M ASTOUNDED AND NONPLUSSED.
I AM FILLED WITH CALCULUST.
DOES THIS GUY WORK OUT?
HE MUST, ALL SWEATY AT THE GYM.
COULD THAT IMAGE BE MORE HOT?
LET ME JUST ENJOY THAT THOUGHT.
SCHOOL WAS ROUGH BUT NOW IT’S NOT.
‘CAUSE NOW THERE’S HIM.
IT’S ALL SO SIMPLE.
 STUPID WITH LOVE,
BUT I CAN GET IT.
WATCH THIS GIRL SELF-EDUCATE.
I LEARNED MATH,
SO I CAN LEARN LOVE.
YOU WANNA BET IT,
THAT I CAN GET IT,
JUST WAIT.
JUST WAIT, JUST WAIT!

JANIS: A cor rosa não está universalmente ligada à feminilidade. Na Índia, os homens usam
turbantes rosa em festivais religiosos.
DAMIAN: Na Suíça, eles pintam as celas da prisão de rosa para manter os presos calmos, o
que é divertido.
JANIS: Mas aqui, na cultura ocidental, rosa é para meninas e para espiões.

GRETCHEN: Você não pode usar regata dois dias seguidos. E você só pode usar rabo de
cavalo uma vez por semana. Então, acho que escolheu hoje. Ah, e você só pode usar moletom
ou calça de treino às sextas-feiras. Se você quebrar alguma dessas regras, não pode sentar
com a gente. Quer dizer, não só você. Tipo, todas nós. Tipo, se eu estivesse usando calça de
moletom hoje, teria que sentar ali com os artistas (esquisitos).
CADY: Isso parece justo.
REGINA: 120 calorias e 48 calorias provenientes de gordura, que porcentagem é essa?
GRETCHEN: 48 em 120?
KAREN: Não tem como saber.
REGINA: Só estou comendo alimentos com menos de 30% de calorias de gordura.
CADY: São 40 por cento. 48 sobre 120 é igual a X sobre 100. E então você simplesmente
multiplica e obtém o valor de X.
REGINA: Tanto faz, vou comprar fritas com queijo.
[Regina sai]

KEVIN: Ei, África, essas frações eram estreitas. Sou Kevin Gnapoor, capitão dos Mathletas de
North Shore. Somos uma equipe muito tranquila e irada. Além disso, a Sra. Norbury diz que
receberíamos o dobro do financiamento se tivéssemos uma menina. Pense em aderir porque
adoraríamos ganhar jaquetas.
CADY: Uh--
GRETCHEN: Você não pode entrar para os Mathletas, é suicídio social.
REGINA: Mathletas. Eca, não. Por que ele está na nossa mesa?
KEVIN: A propósito, posso ouvir você.
REGINA: Você pode me ouvir agora? Tchau. (beija o dedo e acena com a cabeça)
KEVIN: Leva o meu cartão caso mude de ideia. Eu também sou DJ e projetei essa fonte então...
(copiando o beijo de Regina) Tchau.
REGINA: Droga, você tem muita sorte de ter a gente para te guiar. Me encontra depois da
escola. Vou te levar ao shopping e comprar alguns sapatos.
CADY: Ah, obrigada!
REGINA: Qual é o seu tamanho?
CADY: 37.
REGINA: sério.
JANIS: Pera, o que ela acabou de dizer?
CADY: Ok, você viu como ela repreendeu aquele garoto para me proteger?
JANIS: Sim, ela é grossa.
CADY: Não, ela— ela é a predadora de ponta.
DAMIAN: O quê?
CADY: O alfa. Uh, eles são predadores, mas se você estiver do lado deles, você pode ter uma
relação simbiótica ou comensal—
JANIS: Não, Caddy, não! Regina George não tem lado bom. Como você disse, ela é uma
predadora. Só, uh…

APEX PREDATOR

JANIS:
DON’T BE FOOLED BY THE PINK,
SHE IS NOT PLAYING DOLLS.
SHE IS STALKING THE HALLS,
FOR THE THRILL OF THE KILL.
EVERY PERSON IN SCHOOL,
IS AWARE OF HER STARE.
WHEN SHE TOSSES HER HAIR,
THEY GO PERFECTLY STILL.
ALL THEIR EYES SAY “DON’T ATTACK ME.”
WATCH THEM SWEAT AND PANT AND SHAKE.
EVERY FOOD CHAIN HAS IT’S ACME,
REGINA GEORGE EATS STEAK.
SHE’S THE QUEEN OF BEASTS.
SHE CAN SMELL YOUR FEAR.
IN THIS BIOSPHERE,
SHE’S THE APEX PREDATOR.
LIKE A LIONESS,
ONLY WITH LESS FUR,
DO NOT MESS WITH HER.
SHE’S THE APEX PREDATOR.

Caitlyn: Regina George salvou minha vida uma vez, porque uma vez no Wiener Circle, ela viu
que eu estava engasgando e me disse para parar de engasgar. E eu fiz.
Rachel: Regina George é considerada a garota mais bonita da escola, e eu fico tipo “Ok, gente
branca”.
Sophie: Quando Regina George está por perto, sinto que ninguém consegue me ver, como se
eu...
Lizzie: Eles nos dizem para sermos nós mesmos; eles nos dizem que a aparência não importa e
então eles literalmente fazem um concurso escolar todos os anos onde damos uma coroa a
Regina.

Regina: Cady, olha esses sapatos. Posso comprar para você aqueles saltos de camurça para
levantar sua bunda.
Cady: Uh, obrigado?
[alunos agindo de forma animalesca]
Cady: AT THE WATERING HOLE,
SEE THE GIRLS WHO WEREN’T NICE,
HAVE TO SCATTER LIKE MICE,
FROM THE JUNGLE CAT.
AND THOUGH JANIS IS GREAT,
SHE DOES NOT HAVE THIS POWER.
PEOPLE LITERALLY COWER.
JANIS CAN’T DO THAT.
SEE US MARK OUR TERRITORY,
AS I FOLLOW IN HER TRAIN.
I WAS VICTIM,
I WAS QUARRY,
NOW I SHAKE MY MANE.
SHE’S THE QUEEN OF BEASTS.
AND, I’M IN HER PRIDE.
I HAVE HITCHED A RIDE,
WITH THE APEX PREDATOR.
AND IT’S KINDA FUN,
WHEN SHE BARES HER CLAWS,
AND I’M SAFE BECAUSE,
I’M WITH THE APEX PREDATOR.

[alunos agindo de forma animalesca novamente]

Gretchen: Então, você já viu algum cara que você acha fofo?
Cady: Tem um cara na minha aula de cálculo, Aaron Samuels.
Gretchen: [barulho de pássaro angustiado] Não! Esse é o ex-namorado de Regina. Ele acabou
de terminar com ela neste verão.
Karen: Achei que ela o trocou por Shane Oman.
Gretchen: Independentemente disso, ex-namorados estão fora dos limites dos amigos. Essas
são apenas as regras do feminismo. Não se preocupe, nunca contarei a Regina o que você
disse.
Gretchen e Karen: Desculpe, desculpe, desculpe! (animalisticamente)

Cady: DID I THINK I’D BE PROTECTED,

BY MY NEW EXOTIC PET?
NOT A CHANCE, IF SHE SUSPECTED,
I WAS ANY KIND OF REPRODUCTIVE THREAT.
BUT, SHE DOESN’T KNOW YET.
Cady and Janis: WHAT, SHE DOESN’T KNOW YET.
SHE’S THE QUEEN OF BEASTS,
AT THIS BEASTLY SCHOOL.
GOTTA KEEP IT COOL,
WITH THE APEX PREDATOR.
Cady: SO, WE’RE KINDA FRIENDS.
Janis: BUT YOU’RE KINDA PREY.
Cady: JESUS, WHAT A DAY!
Cady and Janis: WITH THE APEX PREDATOR.
WILL SHE BRAID YOUR HAIR?
WILL SHE EAT YOUR HEART?
HOW CAN YOU OUTSMART?
THE APEX PREDATOR!

[transition to Regina’s bedroom]

Cady: Woah! Your room is really nice!
Regina: I know right, it was my parents room, but I made them trade me. Gretchen, move!
Gretchen: Sorry! Ugh, my hips are so wide.
Regina: I need to lose three pounds.
Karen: My ankles are like dog ankles.
Cady: I don’t know what we’re doing, but me too. I’m ugly too.
Mrs. George: OMF, you guys are so busted!
Gretchen and Karen: Hi, Mrs. George!
Mrs. George: Did you fly bitches come in through the garage? I didn’t even hear you!
Regina: Maybe that was on purpose.
Mrs. George: Well, who are you? We haven’t had new meat in our little lady taco in so long!
Cady: I’m Cady Heron, I just moved here.
Karen: From Africa.
Mrs. George: Well welco-- Well Welcome Cady, welcome to America! So, have you seen any
guys you think are cute yet?
Cady: Um, no.
Mrs. George: Oh well, it’s just a matter of time. You know, I always say, this school district has
the highest taxes, but the hottest boys! Oh, Regina, you’ll never guess what I found in the back
your closet!
Regina: What were you doing in my closet?
Mrs. George: Oh, I was doing this Japanese organizing thing, where you take a little nap in the
closet. Anyway, I found your burn book! Cady! This was just the funniest thing they used to do.
Regina: Mommy! Get out.
Mrs. George: You got it baby! But I’ll be right downstairs if you guys need to talk about anything,
okay? Ya know, deep stuff, boy troubles, alcohol poisoning, I have been through it all. I’m not a
regular mom, I’m at cool mom, @coolmom, twenty three, hundred followers. Likes for likes!
(kissing the dog) I like you too!
Karen: Oh my god, we haven’t looked at this burn book in forever.
Gretchen: Check it out, Cady, we cut out people’s pictures from the yearbook. And then we wrote
comments. Trang Pak is a grotsky little beyotch.
Regina: Still true.
Gretchen: Dawn Schweitzer is a fat virgin.
Regina: Still half true.
Gretchen: Janis Sarkisian, space dyke. I love that.
Regina: Oh my god, she’s so weird.
Cady: She is? Uh, she’s in my homeroom.
Regina: Well watch out, because she’s mental. Everyone thinks she’s good at art but that’s
because she had to do art therapy.
Gretchen: Regina and Janis were like best friends in middle school.
Regina: Yeah, she was like obsessed with me. But then when I couldn’t invite her to my
thirteenth birthday party, because my mom said I could only have six people, she went insane.
Karen: Who’s that?
Gretchen: Oh that’s that kid Damian.
Cady: Hah, yeah, he’s almost too gay to function.
(Plastics laugh)
Cady: No, I didn’t mean that in like a bad way.
Regina: No, that’s funny, put that in there.
Gretchen: Okay! Oh, Cady, don’t worry, we only write stuff about rando’s in here. Friends are like
very deserving of respect.
Regina: Gretchen, she gets it! Karen, come with me, I want to change your eyebrows.
Karen: Oh! Can I still have two?
Gretchen: Do you want me to come with? I could film it, and then we-- Oh, okay. So are you
having so much fun with us?
Cady: Yeah. Uh, how long were Regina and Aaron a couple?
Gretchen: All last year. Did Regina seem mad at me?
Cady: I don’t know. Is she the kind of girl he likes usually, with makeup and this stuff.
Gretchen: Yes, she did seem mad at me I think. It started when I burped in the car. I’m talking too
much, let’s talk about you. Are you a virgin?
Cady: What?
Gretchen: You don’t have to tell me, just know that I am very trustworthy. Like, Karen’s had sex
with eleven people and I’ve never told anyone.
Cady: That’s very good of you.
Gretchen: Oh! They’re laughing. What? What’s happened that was funny? They can hear me.
Cady: Are you okay?
Gretchen: Mhm. It’s just that sometimes I feel like an iphone without a case. Like, I know I’m
worth a lot, and I have a lot of good functions, but at any time I could just shatter.
Cady: Oh.

What’s Wrong With Me

Gretchen: Regina? Let me in. I’m sorry about the car burp.

Gretchen: TELL ME WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME

MY BODY, FACE, MY HAIR.
TELL ME ALL MY MANY FAULTS,
TELL ME LIKE YOU CARE
WHEN WE BOTH KNOW YOU’RE CRUEL,
AND WE BOTH KNOW YOU’RE RIGHT,
I COULD LISTEN TO YOU,
LIKE A FOOL ALL NIGHT
WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME
HOW I SPEAK, HOW I DRESS
WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME
YOU KEEP MY GUESSING
MAMA CALLED ME BEAUTIFUL
DON’T BELIEVE HER ANYMORE
NOW I’M LISTENING TO YOU
WHAT DO I DO THAT FOR
PLEASE DON’T IGNORE ME
(vocalizing)
TELL ME WHO WE HATE TODAY
AND I WILL FALL IN LINE
HOLD ME WHILE MY SHOULDERS TENSE
AND WE’LL PRETEND WE’RE FINE
WHEN WE BOTH KNOW ONE DAY
THEY’LL BE BLOOD ON THE FLOOR
BUT WHICH ONE WILL BETRAY
THE OTHER MORE

Cady: I’m gonna go home now.

Gretchen: Good see you tomorrow.

Gretchen: WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME

WHERE IS MY MIND, WHERE DOES IT END
MAYBE I,
NEED TO FIND A BETTER FRIEND.
WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME?
WHAT CAN I DO?
WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME?
COULD IT BE YOU?
IT’S PROBABLY ME
SO NOW YOU SEE
WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME
(vocalizing)

[enter hallway in school]

Cady: And they have this book, this um, burn book, where they write mean things about girls in
our grade.
Janis: What does it say about me?
Cady: You’re not in it.
Janis: Those bitches!
Damian: What is this? Can I eat it?
Cady: Uh, it’s a Kalteen bar. My mom used to give them to the kids in africa to help them gain
weight.
Damian: I can feel it working.
Janis: We should grind those up into Regina’s food.
Cady: No! Janis! I’ll keep eating lunch with them and that’s it.
Janis: Bleh!
Damian: And so she did, Cady spent weeks pretending to like Regina.
Janis: And for real liking Aaron in the safe space of ap calculus.
(enter calculus class)
Aaron: New shoes?
Cady: Yeah, Regina bought them for me.
Aaron: I didn’t know you guys were friends.
Cady: Mhm. You just broke up with her last summer, right?
Aaron: Wow, is that how she’s telling it.
Cady: No! Uh, forget I said that. Homeschooled Weirdo, sorry.
Aaron: You know, hey, it’s fine.

Stupid With Love (reprise)

Aaron: IT’S ALL ON ME
WITH HER I TRIED TO BE
SOMEBODY COOL,

Cady: But you’re already cool.

Aaron: Uh, thanks.

Aaron: THAT’S LOVE I GUESS.

YOU TRY HARD TO IMPRESS,
BUT END UP ACTING LIKE A TOOL.
I FIND THE WHOLE THING SO FRUSTRATING.
Cady: SOUNDS FRUSTRATING.
Aaron: SO I’M SWEARING OFF FROM DATING.

Cady: Shit!

Aaron: I JUST GET,

Aaron and Cady: STUPID WITH LOVE,
Aaron: I JUST DON’T GET IT,
Cady: I’LL NEVER GET IT,
Aaron: I JUST DON’T GET IT,
Cady: I’LL NEVER GET IT,
Aaron and Cady: SOMEHOW!
ALL I GET IS STUPID WITH LOVE.
Aaron: I JUST DON’T GET IT.
Cady: I’LL NEVER GET IT.

Aaron: You’ll never get what?

Cady: What?! Uh, get this problem. I do not get any of this.
Aaron: Um, its a factorial, you multiply it.
Cady: Oh! Hah! Thanks, you’re so smart.
Janis: Um, yeah, don’t sleep on that. She just pretended to be dumb to get a guy to keep talking
to her. And it worked, ‘cause that shit always works.
Aaron: Uh, hey, we're having a party at my friend Chris’s this weekend, do you wanna come?
Cady: Me?
Aaron: Yeah, it’s a halloween costume party. People get pretty into it.
Cady: Grool! I meant to say great, and then I started to say cool.
Aaron: Okay, uh, grool.

Cady: STUPID WITH LOVE,

BUT NOW I GET IT.
LOOK WHO FINALLY FOUND A WAY,
ACTING DUMB TIMES X EQUALS LOVE.

Aaron: Hey, what’s the date?

Cady: October third.

Cady: MY NEW FAVORITE DAY!

Sexy
Karen: Hi.

Karen: IF I COULD CHANGE THE WORLD,

I’D MAKE IT HALLOWEEN,
EVERY SINGLE DAY,
AND ALSO HAVE WORLD PEACE.
MAYBE WORLD PEACE SHOULD BE FIRST.
WORLD PEACE AND THEN HALLOWEEN…

Karen: Wait, let me start over.

(exits, then re-enters)

Karen: Hi.

Karen: IF I COULD CHANGE THE WORLD,

I’D MAKE US HAVE WORLD PEACE,
AND ALSO HALLOWEEN,
EVERY SINGLE DAY.
ON HALLOWEEN, YOU CAN PRETEND TO BE SOMEONE ELSE,
IT’S LIKE THE INTERNET,
ONLY IN PERSON AND WITH CANDY.

Karen: WHEN YOU ARE THE HOT ONE,

IT’S A FULL TIME GIG,
LOOKING LIKE WHAT PEOPLE WANNA SEE.
Ensemble boys: WOAH-OH, WOAH-OH-OH
ONCE A YEAR, I’M NOT.
I DRESS UP AND DREAM BIG,
DISGUISED AS SOMEONE ELSE WHO IS NOT ME BUT IS STILL HOT!
Karen and Ensemble girls: I CAN BE,
Karen: WHO I WANNA BE AND SEXY.
Karen and Ensemble girls: I CAN BE,
WHO I WANNA BE AND HOT.
Karen: DON’T LIKE WHO YOU ARE,
THEN HIT THAT COSTUME SHOP,
ROCK A NEW AND DIFFERENT SEXY LOOK.
Ensemble girls: WOAH-OH, WOAH-OH-OH
Karen: WHY BE SO DOWN HEARTED,
BLAST SOME TRASHY POP,
AND DROP IT TO THIS HOT AND SEXY HOOK.
Karen and Ensemble girls: I CAN BE,
Karen: WHO I WANNA BE AND SEXY.
Karen and Ensemble girls: I CAN BE,
Karen: WHO I WANNA BE AND HOT.
Karen and Ensemble girls: BE SOMEBODY NEW,
DO A TOTAL TRANSFORMATION!
Karen: ANIMALS, OR MINERAL TOO,
OR EVEN VEGETATION!

Karen: I give you “sexy corn”!

Karen: I CAN BE, WHO I WANT TO BE,

Karen and Ensemble girls: AND SEXY!
Karen: A SEXY QUINT FROM SEXY “JAWS”,
CATCHING SEXY SHARKS.
Ensemble girs: UH-HUH!
Karen: SEXY ELEANOR ROOSEVELT,
OR SEXY ROSA PARKS!
Ensemble girls: UH-HUH!
Karen: I CAN BE A SEXY PIRATE,
OR A SEXY BALLET DANCER. I CAN BE A SEXY DOCTOR, AND CURE SOME SEXY
CANCER!

Karen: That’s not right, is it?

Gretchen: No.

Karen: I CAN SEXY CURE SOME CANCER!

Gretchen: No!

Karen: I CAN CURE SEX CANCER!

Gretchen: Sex cancer doesn’t exist.

Karen: I did it.
(Ensemble girls scream)

[Dance break]
Ensemble girls: Happy Halloween!

Karen: THIS IS MODERN FEMINISM TALKING.

I EXPECT TO RUN THE WORLD IN SHOES I CANNOT WALK IN.
I CAN BE, WHO I WANT TO BE,
AND SEX--
SEX--
SEXY!

Karen: I’m a sexy mouse.

[Enter Cady, who didn’t get the memo and came in a zombie bride costume]
Karen: Why!!! Why are you dressed so scary?!
Cady: It’s Halloween.
Gretchen: If you don’t dress slutty, that’s slut-shaming us.
Regina (pulls Gretchen aside): Gretchen, why did you invite Cady? We don’t have to take her
everywhere, you know.
Gretchen: I didn’t---
Regina: And honestly, you shouldn’t want her around. She’s exotic cute, in the same way you
are, only fresher.
Gretchen: Thank you for your feedback. But, she came by herself because she’s obsessed with
this guy from her math class.
Regina: She likes a senior? That’s a little confident. Who is it?
Aaron (to Cady): Oh, hey, you made it! Wow, haha, I like your costume. It’s different from
everybody else.
Cady: Yeah, I didn’t know that, ugh, I’m such a weird, foreign loser.
Aaron: No, hey, everybody feels like that when they’re the new kid. I only moved here, like, two
years ago. Well, that’s not really true. I didn’t actually move here. My mom lies about our address
so that I can be in the North Shore school district. Please don’t tell anyone that.
Cady: No, of course.
Aaron: Hey, how did you do on that pop quiz today?

Cady: I GOT A HUNDRED,

SO WHAT DO I SAY?
DO I DROP IT TO EIGHTY,
WOULD THAT BE OKAY?

Aaron: ‘Cause I got an 85.

Cady: I got a 60. I think I need extra help.
Aaron: If you want, I can tutor you.
Cady: Thanks! That would be tits!
Aaron: Okay, then! It’s a deal. Let me get you a drink, wait right here.
Regina: I know your secret.
Cady: Secret?
Regina: Gretchen told me you like Aaron Samuels.
Cady: Gretchen, what?! I’m sorry, I didn’t know you dated---
Regina: I don’t care. Do whatever you want. I think you guys would be a cute couple.
Cady: Really?
Regina: I just said so, don’t be thirsty. I could talk to him for you, if you want.
Cady: You would do that? Nothing embarrassing, right?
Regina: Duh.
Cady: Okay!
Regina: I have to talk to you.
Aaron: Me? I thought you were done talking to me, last summer, when you started talking to
Shane.
Regina: Don’t be weird. You know that Cady girl just like showed up here tonight?
Aaron: She’s not crashing, I invited her.
Regina: Yeah, yeah, no, I know. Just, like, be careful ‘cause she has like a huge crush on you.
Aaron: Really?
Regina: Don’t be gross. She’s my friend. She’s really baby-ish and inexperienced. And I—

Someone Gets Hurt

Regina: Wow, I didn’t think this would be so hard for me. Just promise me you won’t break her
heart the way you did mine.
Aaron: Wait, what’s happening?

Regina: YES I LOOK PERFECT,

ICE QUEEN, THAT’S WHAT YOU SEE,
IT’S WHAT THEY ALL EXPECT FROM ME,
BUT IT’S ALL SHOW.
FACE IT, YOU USED ME,
YOU SAW MY SEXY CLOTHES,
MY SUPERMODEL POSE,
BUT DID YOU KNOW?
WAS I A GAME TO YOU?
WAS I WAY TOO COOL?
I TRULY CARED,
WAS I THE FOOL?
IT’S FINE FOR YOU,
IT’S FINE TO FLIRT,
IT’S FINE,
TIL SOMEONE GETS HURT.
TIL SOMEONE GETS HURT!
FEEL MY HEART BEATING,
I’M JUST LIKE HER OR YOU.
PEOPLE FORGET I’M HUMAN TOO,
YES THEY DO THAT.
THIS IS PERFORMANCE,
THIS IS ALL SELF DEFENCE.
I THOUGHT YOU HAD THE SENSE,
TO SEE THROUGH THAT.
WAS I TOO PROUD OF YOU?
WAS I TOO COLD AND FORBIDDING?
AND YOU CHOSE HER OVER ME,
ARE YOU KIDDING?
Ensemble Boys: ARE YOU KIDDING?
Regina: POBRE DE MIM ENCANTADA POR TODO ESSE SHOW,
PODE ME ILUDIR,
MAS SE QUISER EU VOU,
Ensemble Boys: GO! OH-OH!
Regina: IT’S FINE FOR YOU,
IT’S FINE TO FLIRT.
AND GOD YOU’RE HOT,
WHY DO YOU EVEN WEAR A SHIRT?
Regina and Aaron: IT’S FINE!
Aaron: DAMN YOU’RE FINE!
Regina: DAMN YOU’RE FINE!
Regina and Aaron: AND IT’S FINE,
Regina: UNTIL SOMEONE GETS--
Ensemble: HURT! HURT!
Regina: TIL SOMEONE GETS HURT! TIL SOMEONE GETS HURT!

Cady: No!

[transitioning to Janis’s bedroom]

Janis and Damian: (seeing cady in costume) Ah! Oh my gosh!

Cady: She took him back, Regina just like, took Aaron back.
Janis: Aw, oh of course she did, Caddy, she’s a life ruiner.
Damian: When we were in eighth grade she threw this massive party--
Janis: No no no, Damian, she doesn’t need to hear.
Cady: You guys, I already know the story, she didn’t invite you to her thirteenth birthday because
she could only have like six people.
Damian: She said what? Oh, Regina is a hot liar!
Janis: Damian, just--
Damian: No, I must!
Janis: Okay.
Damian: What happened was Regina came up to Janis before school where no adults could see
her and was like--
Damian and Regina: Janis, I can’t invite you to my pool party because I think you’re a lesbian.
Regina: I can’t have a lesbian at my pool party because there are going to be girls there in their
bathing suits.
Damian: She just kept asking her.
Regina: I mean, are you a lesbian? What are you?
Cady: What did Janis say?
Damian: What could she say? It wasn’t a real question, it was just like, an attempt to snatch her
dignity. And she didn’t know why her friend was doing this to her, so she just yelled--
Janis: I am a space alien, and I have four butts!
Damian: It was a bad choice, but she was twelve. And by lunch someone had sharpied “space
dyke” on her locker. After that no one would talk to her, and it got really bad, and her parents
pulled her out of school for the rest of the year.
Janis: And it’s not even true, I only have one butt.
Cady: Janis, I’m sorry--
Janis: Caddy, don’t be sorry. Now you know Regina George is not your friend, we are your
friends, and we are going to make her pay.

Revenge Party
Janis: YOU KNOW WHAT FRIENDS DO?
THEY GOT YOUR BACK,
AND THEY ARE FUN TO BE AROUND,
Damian: WOAH-WOAH-WOAH!
Janis: WHEN SOMEONE HURTS YOU
THEN THEY ATTACK
AND GRIND YOUR FOE INTO THE GROUND
Damian: WOAH-WOAH-WOAH!
Janis: IMAGINE A PARTY,
WITH DRESSES AND CAKE,
AND SINGING AND DANCING,
AND CAKE.
AND THERE’S A MAGIC ACT,
THAT SAWS REGINA IN HALF,
AND THIS TIME IT WILL TAKE!
Damian: NOW THAT’S A PARTY!
Janis: A REVENGE PARTY,
A PARTY THAT ENDS,
WITH SOMEBODY’S HEAD ON A SPIKE!
Damian: WOAH-WOAH!
Janis: IT’S A REVENGE PARTY,
WITH YOUR TWO BEST FRIENDS
IT’S LIKE A PARTY AND REVENGE IS WHAT IT’S LIKE!

Janis: I have dreamed of this day for many years, but I have never had an inside man.
Damian: I almost did once, at governor’s school. But I got nervous.
Janis: First things first, if this is going to work, you have to pretend like you still like them. Can
you do that?
Cady: Yes!
[enter school hallway]
Cady: Hey, girl!
Gretchen: Hey, Regina wanted me to tell you that she tried to talk to Aaron, but he just wanted
her back, and that’s not Regina’s fault.
Cady: No, I totally get it. I just hope I can still have lunch with you guys.
Gretchen: Oh! Of course! Also, Regina wanted me to give you this. (awkward hug)
Janis and Damian: Eww!

Cady, Janis and Damian: IT’S A REVENGE PARTY,

A PARTY THAT ENDS,
WITH ENTRAILS ALL OVER THE LAWN.
IT’S A REVENGE PARTY, WITH YOUR TWO BEST FRIENDS,
Cady: AND I END UP WITH AARON WHEN SHE’S GONE!
Janis: YES, BITCH!
Cady: I END UP WITH AARON WHEN SHE’S GONE!
Ensemble: WHAT’S REGINA DOING?
WHAT’S REGINA WEARING?
IS SHE DATING AARON?
REGINA, REGINA!
SHE HAS EVERYTHING!
SHE GETS EVERYTHING!
REGINA, REGINA, REGINA!

Janis: Okay, next we have to take away Regina’s only accomplishment; being a hot person.
Damian: Yeah, but how?
Cady: Guys, I know how!
Cady, Janis and Damian: Kälteen!

[enter cafeteria]

Cady: Hey, girl!

Gretchen: What is that?
Cady: Ugh, I’m so fat and disgusting right now. I just use these Kälteen diet bars when I need to
lose weight.
Regina: I need to lose three pounds. How many calories from fat?
Cady: Zero, you just cross multiply x over a thousand, then divide by .35 ‘cause kilograms--
Regina: Whatever, bring me a whole box.

Cady, Janis and Damian: IT’S A REVENGE PARTY,

A PARTY THAT ENDS,
WITH SOMEBODY CRUSHED AND ALONE,
Janis: AND UGLY CRYING!
Cady, Janis and Damian: IT’S A REVENGE PARTY,
WITH YOUR TWO BEST FRIENDS,
IT’S LIKE A PARTY WITH REVENGE,
IT’S WHAT WE’RE THROWING!
Ensemble: WHATS REGINA EATING,
GOD LOOK AT HER FIGURE.
DID HER BOOBS GET BIGGER?
REGINA, REGINA,
SHE HAS EVERYTHING,
SHE GETS EVERYTHING,
REGINA, REGINA, REGINA!

Janis: We gotta go harder if we’re gonna get Gretchen to think that Regina is mad at her.
Cady: No, I won’t do that, Gretchen is fragile.
Janis: Exactly! If we crack her open she will spill something we can use. Wait, shh, here she
comes!
Cady: Hey, girl! Are you sending any candy canes?
Regina: I don’t send them, I just get them. Stop pulling it down, your hair looks sexy pushed
back. Cady, would you please tell him his hair looks sexy pushed back.
Cady: Uh, your hair looks sexy pushed back.
Aaron: Uh, thanks, hah. I’ll see you in calc.

Janis: IN EVERY PARTY, THERE MIGHT BE A LOW,

WHERE THE ENERGY DIPS.
Damian: WOAH-WOAH-WOAH.
YOU MIGHT BE THINKING THAT IT’S LATE, WE SHOULD GO,
AND THEY RAN OUT OF CHIPS.
Cady: NO! NO! NO! I CAN’T EVEN WATCH WHEN SHE TOUCHES HIS HAIR,
AND I WATCHED A SNAKE EAT A COW,
REGINA NEEDS TO BE TOPPLED,
SORRY GRETCHEN I SWEAR,
WE’LL GET OUR PARTY NOW!
ONE CANDY CANE PLEASE!
Cady, Janis and Damian: IT’S A REVENGE PARTY,
A PARTY THAT ENDS,
WITH LIONS IN A ROMAN ARENA!
Ensemble: SHE HAS EVERYTHING,
SHE GETS EVERYTHING,
REGINA, REGINA, REGINA!

Damian: Ho, ho, ho! Candy cane gram for Shane Oman!

Ensemble: SHE HAS EVERYTHING!

Damian: And one for Caddy Heron!

Ensemble: SHE GETS EVERYTHING

Damian: And four for Glen Coco, you go Glen Coco!

Ensemble: GLEN COCO, GLEN COCO, GLEN COCO!

Damian: And none for Gretchen Weiners, bye.

Gretchen: Who sent that?
Cady: Aw, it’s from--

Ensemble: REGINA, REGINA, REGINA!

Cady: “Thanks for being such a great best friend!”
Gretchen: (bird noise)! I mean, Cute! I mean, give me it! I mean-- Oh, Okay. Well if Regina and
you are best friends now, I guess you can be in charge of keeping all of her secrets. For
example, she bought you those high heeled shoes, just to make fun of you. Because she knew
you wouldn’t be able to walk in them. Also, she’s not really blonde, her natural color is dark
blonde. Also she totally cheats on Aaron, every Thursday she says she has SAT prep, but really
she’s hooking up with Shane Oman in the North Shore Lions costume.
Cady: She makes him wear the costume?
Gretchen: No! (breaking Cady’s candy cane ) They’re both in the costume! And I never told
anyone because I am such a good friend!
Cady, Janis and Damian: IT’S A REVENGE PARTY,
A PARTY THAT ENDS WITH SOMEBODY’S HEAD ON A SPIKE,
IT’S A REVENGE PARTY,
Ensemble: SHE GETS EVERYTHING!
SHE GETS EVERYTHING
Cady, Janis and Damian: WITH YOUR TWO BEST FRIENDS,
Ensemble: SHE GETS EVERYTHING!
Cady, Janis and Damian: IT’S LIKE A PARTY WITH REVENGE IS WHAT IT’S LIKE!
A PARTY WITH REVENGE IS WHAT IT’S LIKE!
Cady, Janis, Damian and ensemble: A PARTY WITH REVENGE,
IS WHAT IT’S LIKE!

Cady: Hey!
Aaron: Hey, are we studying today?
Cady: Yeah! Uh, did you get that text I sent you?
Aaron: No, um, I’ll check it right now. Wow, it’s long. “ I hate to be the one to tell you this, but
regionals is chewing on you”?
Cady: Ah, autocorrect. Regina is cheating on you.
Aaron: In the-- What was “lion suit” supposed to be?
Cady: It’s supposed to be lion suit.
Aaron: Why would you tell me this?
Cady: Because, you deserve to know. Look, if you want to talk about it--
Aaron: Uh, no. I definitely don’t. I gotta go home.
Cady: Aaron wait, Aaron I--
Ms. Norbury: Cady, I noticed you failed your last three quizzes, is everything alright?
Cady: Sorry, I’ll try harder.
Ms. Norbury: Well if you want to come after school today, there’s a mathletes meeting.
Cady: No, no, I can’t. I have to go to my friend Regina’s house, we’re doing a dance for the talent
show.
Ms. Norbury: Rockin’ Around The Pole?
Cady: Yeah, how did you know?
Ms. Norbury: They do it every year. It’s like a what do you call it?
Cady: Tradition.
Ms. Norbury: Recurring nightmare. I could probably get Kevin or Marwan to tutor you--
Cady: Aaron Samuels is tutoring me--
Mx. Norbury: He’s tutoring you? Oh, okay, sure. Tell him the weird part with your quizzes is that
all the work is right, just the answers are wrong.
Cady: Oh.
Ms. Norbury: I’m not going to stop pushing you, Cady, because I’m a pusher and I know you are
smarter than this. Maybe I should just push your seat away from Aaron’s.

[Regina’s bedroom]

Cady: And then she was like, “I’m a pusher, Cady”.

Gretchen: Wait, what does she mean she’s a pusher? Like a drug pusher?
Cady: Yeah, I don’t know, maybe. She’s so weird!
Gretchen: Let it all out, Honey. Put it in the book.
Regina: This skirt won’t close! Cady, these Kalteen bars suck.
Cady: You know, you just have to eat enough carbs to activate them.
Regina: Stop playing with that stupid, babyish book and help me find a safety pin.
Karen: She’s really grouchy because Aaron broke up with her. Also she hasn’t had any protein in
like six weeks, so her blood sugar is like ping-pyong-ping-pyong.
Cady: Still, I don’t like how she talks to you.
Karen: Oh, she would never hurt me. She’s just doing it to be funny.
Regina: Karen, I can see your bra.
Karen: It’s on purpose, I’m going for a look.
Regina: Is it “girl who’s slept with eleven people”? ‘Cause you’re nailing it.
Gretchen: I think your top looks fetch!
Regina: Gretchen! Stop trying to make “fetch” happen, it’s not gonna happen!

Cady: WELL THAT WAS UNCALLED FOR,

AND HURTFUL AND WRONG,
BUT IT FITS WITH MY PLAN,
SO LET’S MOVE IT ALONG.

Cady: Guys, how much longer are we going to put up with this?

[talent show]

Mr. Duvall: Let’s have a round of applause for Mike T. and Sarah, for acting out a scene from the
movie “Transformers”. Really good transforming guys. Now listen, I shouldn’t have to remind you
guys that this is a voluntary talent show, not a contest. So there should never be a reason for you
to yell the word “suck”! I don’t want to hear that again, you got me? Our next act describes their
music as like a sound wave we don’t stop. Please welcome Kevin G, and the Power of Three!

Kevin G. Rap
Marwan: (beatboxing)
Kevin: OH! DON’T,
BRING ME NO LITTLE ASS
WHITE GIRL BOOTY--

Mr. Duvall: No, no, no! Kevin we talked about this!

Kevin: Happy Holidays, Everybody!
Mr. Duvall: Let’s keep these acts North Shore friendly, please. Also, if anyone finds a retainer in a
bright aqua case, that is mine. Please return it, my insurance will not cover a replacement. Okay,
please welcome, for the sixth year in a row in this school district, The Hot Elves, doing Rockin’
Around The Pole.
Rockin’ Around The Pole
Track: ROCK, ROCK, ROCKIN’ AROUND THE POLE,
WHERE THE NORTHERN LIGHTS ARE BRIGHT.
ROCK, ROCK, ROCKIN’ AROUND THE POLE,
WE’LL ROCK THE POLE ALL NIGHT!
[Regina’s skirt falls off]
Regina: (screams)

Janis: Okay, so now would be a really good time to talk about the power of social media.
Damian: Like was it funny when Regina bent over and it looked like her butt ate her underwear?
Yes, one million percent.
Janis: Was it shocking that she stepped on Gretchen’s face as she ran away? Not to me, but I
still liked it.
Damian: And why did Karen pretend to be asleep? Did she just panic?
Janis: Now we all know that harsh internet comments are hurtful and ‘cause pain and blah, blah,
we got to stop, excetera.
Damian: But what everyone forgets is that positive internet comments are worse. Because they
create a false sense of love and admiration and are more addictive than opioids and girl scout
thin mints combined. For example--
Taylor: Omg, Cady was the only one who kept dancing.
Grace: Cady looked cute, those other three were busted.
Lizzie: That Cady girl’s authentic, but not in a fake way.
Rachel: Her instagram is just pictures of lions, and no selfies! Badass.
Tyler: I would hit that! (clears throat, lowers voice) I would hit that.
Caitlyn: Cady Heron is like, effortlessly perfect. I would kill my whole family and eat glass for a
hundred years to be that effortless.
Ensemble: Follow! Follow! Follow! Follow! Follow!
Gretchen: I posted a picture of me and Cady in our santa outfits, and someone commented that
we looked like sisters, and I was like, “hashtag what?!”
Karen: I like Cady, she’s nice to me.
Regina: I mean honestly, I was not the most embarrassing part of that talent show. Wait, is butter
a carb?
Cady: Yes.
Regina: Did you change your hair?
Cady: Yeah.
Regina: I like it. Gretchen Move!
Gretchen: I’m sorry, Regina, you can’t sit with us.
Regina: What?
Gretchen: You’re wearing sweatpants, it’s thursday.
Regina: Whatever those rules aren’t real.
Karen: They were real the day I wore a vest.
Regina: Yeah, because that vest was disgusting.
Gretchen: You can’t sit with us!
Regina: Sweatpants are all that fit me right now.
Gretchen: What do you think Cady?

Cady: GRETCHEN IS WEAK,

AND SHE CAN’T LAND THE BLOW.
SO SHE THROWS IT TO ME,
I COULD JUST LET IT GO.
NO!

(students become ferociously animalistic)

Gretchen: Cady?
Cady: Rules are rules.
Regina: Fine, take a picture losers, it’ll last longer.
Ensemble: (rushes to take pictures)
Gretchen: She left! She left.

Fearless
Gretchen: WAIT, WHO IS MY BOSS,
NOW THAT REGINA IS GONE.
Karen: I’LL WEAR WHAT I WANT,
WHICH IS WHAT I HAVE ON,
AND A VEST,
THAT’S HOW IT FEELS,
TO BE FREE, FREE.
Gretchen: I THOUGHT YOU WOULD CAVE,
BUT YOU STOOD UP TO HER,
YOU WERE STRONG, YOU WERE BRAVE,
NO, YOU KNEW WHAT YOU WERE,
YOU WERE FETCH!
Gretchen and Karen: SO FETCH, AND WE’RE FREE, FREE!
YOU WERE SO FEARLESS, WOAH-OH!
YOU DIDN’T CRY OR HIDE OR THROW UP!
JUST FEARLESS, WOAH-OH,
NO EMOTIONAL TRAUMA!
JUST FEARLESS!
Ensemble: WOAH-OH!
Cady: WELL, SOME PEOPLE NEED TO GROW UP!
Ensemble: WOAH! FEARLESS!
Cady: GOT NO TIME FOR DRAMA,
SO GO CRY TO MAMA.
FROM NOW ON I’MMA BE
Cady, Gretchen and Karen: FEARLESS!
Ensemble: WOAH-OH-OH!
Cady, Gretchen and Karen: FEARLESS!
Ensemble: WOAH-OH-OH!
Cady, Gretchen and Karen: FEARLESS!
Ensemble: WOAH-OH-OH!
Cady, Gretchen and Karen: FEARLESS!
Ensemble: WOAH-OH-OH!
Cady, Gretchen and Karen: FEARLESS!
Ensemble: WOAH-OH-OH!
Cady, Gretchen and Karen: FEARLESS!
Ensemble: WOAH-OH-OH!
Cady, Gretchen and Karen: FEARLESS!
Ensemble: WOAH-OH-OH!
Cady, Gretchen and Karen: FEARLESS!
Cady: A GIRL’S GOTTA DO,
WHAT A GIRL’S GOTTA DO.
I DID IT FOR ME,
YEAH! BUT REALLY FOR YOU!
SO THAT YOU,
CAN LIVE FEARLESSLY TOO!
IMAGINE FEARLESS!
Cady and ensemble: WOAH-OH!
Cady: IMAGINE STRONGER, BETTER BOLDER!
AND FEARLESS!
Cady and Ensemble: WOAH-OH!
Cady: BRUSH THAT DIRT OFF YOUR SHOULDER!
Ensemble girls: IMAGINE JUST DANCING LIKE NO ONE WAS THERE,
EVERYONE STARING, BUT YOU DO NOT CARE!
Taylor: NOT HUNCHING YOUR SHOULDERS,
TO MAKE YOURSELF SMALL!
Ensemble Girls: TO WALK RIGHT DOWN,
THE MIDDLE OF THE HALL.
NOT SMALL
NOT SMALL,
ONCE MORE!

(dance break)

Ensemble: FEARLESS!
FEARLESS!
FEARLESS!

(dance break)

Ensemble: FEARLESS!
FEARLESS!
FEARLESS!
WE ARE FEARLESS!

Regina: I forgot these.

Cady: Regina, I’m sorry this had to happen--
Regina: What had to happen? I’m not dead, I’ll see you in gym in eight minutes. Enjoy your eight
minutes.
Cady: You made these rules.

Regina: IT’S FINE FOR YOU,

NEW HAIR, NEW SKIRT,
IT’S FINE,
TILL SOMEONE GETS HURT.
TILL SOMEONE GETS HURT!